Did you feel it? You must have felt it. Last night. The planets shifted. The galaxy quivered. When you woke up this morning you couldn’t help but notice that everything was a little off… What do you mean you didn’t notice anything? You didn’t feel it?
Last night when I went to bed I was still 29.
This morning I woke up 30.
I’ve known it was coming and here it is: I am thirty. I am no longer a twenty year old.
I avoided writing yesterday. I knew that I should. It was the last day my blog title would be correct. And yet, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Every time I sat down at the computer I found a way to distract myself. I didn’t know what to say. The only thing running through my head was the defiant chant, “I am still 29. I am still 29. I am still 29.” I didn’t think that would make for an interesting post. So, I went about my day, which was a typical day, reminding myself that I was still 29.
I still can’t get over the fact that you didn’t feel anything last night. It was so violent that it woke me up around 2. Okay, it may have been Abigail crying that woke me up but I am sure she was crying because she felt the cosmos changing. As I lay in bed trying to get back to sleep I bemoaned the fact that my chant was dead. Dave had tried to cheer me up earlier in the evening by asking what time of the day I was born with the argument that I wouldn’t really be 30 until that time today. The kind thought didn’t work. We all know that no one asks for your time of birth. Your age changes as soon as the date changes. So, September 9th, 2010 is the date I turned 30.
Do you remember your birthday as a child? I’ve spent a lot of time looking back at past birthdays as I’ve counted down the days to this one. Do you remember waking up on your birthday with that feeling of expectation? That something was different. The world was slightly altered. The day held all these wonderful possibilities. You were a year older. I still had that feeling this morning. Thirty years of birthdays and it was still there. It is so strange, really. Think about it. You expect things to be suddenly different. And yet, it is another typical day. I’m still doing the same things I did yesterday. I just washed a sink full of dishes and put the diapers in the wash. The baby will still need to be fed and changed and most of the world isn’t going to treat me any different today than it did yesterday. Physically too, nothing has changed over night. I didn’t wake up to head full of grey hair or a face of wrinkles just like I didn’t wake up two inches taller when I was 9. While I went to bed still 29 and woke up 30 the rest of the world didn’t notice.
But my world did.
Be honest. Though we more aware of our surroundings than when we were two we still believe the world revolves around us. And it does. Hear me out. I don’t think we should live like it is all about us because if we did the world would be a terrible place, we live that way enough even when we are working hard not to. But really, as much as we can try to put ourselves in another’s position and even though we can sacrifice, love, and enrich the lives of others we can never see the world from their eyes. Everything still comes to us through our eyes, through our perceptions, and it impacts our thoughts, memories, life. We can’t live like we’re an island but we are. Am I making any sense? I love my husband and my daughter and I know them both very well but I will still never be totally connected with them. I won’t know their every thought, action, desire. And I don’t need to. Even our relationship with God reinforces this concept of the world revolving around us. The Bible makes it clear that he did it all for me. Which could mean then, that if I was the only one who ever existed he still would have done it all.
So, isn’t it only natural that when I woke up this morning I expected the world to be a little different? I went to bed still 29 and woke up 30.